Young Gawthorp lived at t'Cat-i-t'well; some on yo may know him, he used
to come to Halifax twice i' th' wick to buy his greens and stuff to
hawk, an' he allus call'd at t'Tabor to get a pint as he went hooam.

Nah Chairley (his mother had kursen'd him Chairley becoss shoo wor
sittin in a chair th' furst time shoo saw him); well, Chairley worn't
like some country hawbucks at fancied' coss he sell'd puttates an
turnips, 'at he needed no mooar knowledge nor to be able to tell th'
difference between a parsnip an' a manglewurzell. Noa, Chairley had an
inquirin' mind, an' if it hadn't been at one leg wor shorter nor
t'other, he'd a been a sowdger, for his heart wor as brave as any
greengrocer's heart cud be expected to be.

One neet he'd been to th' taan, an' wor trudgin hooam beside owd
Testy--that's his donkey's name, an' aw owt to tell yo hah it happen'd
to be call'd Testy; ther's nowt like explainin' things as we goa on.
Chairley used to goa to th' Sunday Skooil, an' he wor allus soa weel
behaved, an' hardly ivver missed a Sunday withaat bringin' his taicher
awther a apple or toffy or summat, wol th' Superintendant took sich a
fancy to him, 'at he determined to get up a testimonial for him; soa one
day he call'd him to one side, an' strokin' his heead as tenderley as if
it wor a whin bush, he sed, "Chairley tha's been a gooid lad, an' we ar
detarmin'd to get up a testimonial for thi. Aw've mentioned it to th'
taichers, an' they've all agreed to subscribe, an aw want thee to say
what shape it shall tak." "Well," said Chairley, "if aw'm to pick, aw
should like it to be as near th' shape o' Tim Hardy's as yo can get."

"What dusta meean?" sed th' Superintendent.

"Aw mean Tim Hardy's donkey."

"Nay Chairley, that'll nivver do for a Sundy skooil to give a donkey for
a testimonial; that wodn't spaik weel for th' skooil--think ageean lad."

"Ther's nowt else at aw'd like, soa if yo cannot gie me that, it matters
little to me what aw get; an' as for net spaikin weel for th' skooil, aw
dooan't see that; Balaam's ass spake varry weel for him, an' aw dooan't
see but what one mud spaik varry weel for th' taichers."

"Well lad, that's soa, an awm glad to see at tha hasn't studied thi
scriptur for nowt, soa a donkey it shall be. But ther's just one thing
awd like to mention, an that is; tha sees aw'm a poor workin' chap
mysen, an aw'm hardly in a position to afford to give owt towards it,
but it wodn't luk weel for me net to put daan mi name for summat, soa
aw'! subscribe five shillings to help to buy it, an' when tha's getten
it tha can pay me back i' puttates, kidney puttates, an' noa demiked
ens. If tha'll agree to that, awl work this thing up for thi sharp."

"Aw'l agree." sed Chairley, soa th' thing wor all settled, an th' next
Wednesday neet after th' special prayer meeting, Chairley wor called up
to th' desk, an' after listenin' to a long speech, th' donkey wor browt
in an presented to him, together wi' a beautiful address, painted an'
illuminated on glass, wi a tollow cannel, soa's to be useful to him when
hawkin' cockles an' mussels i' winter time.

Chairley wor famosly delited wi th' donkey, an when it stretched aght
one hind leg, just to feel whoa it wor at stood behind it, he fairly
shed tears, an' it wor some time befooar he cud get his wind back to
thank' em. He tell'd 'em at that wor th' first testimonial he'd ivver
had gien, an' on that accaant he should name it "Testy"; he thanked 'em
one an' all, an' thowt it wor abaaght time nah for him to goa. Th'
Superintendant sed he thowt soa too, an' he should advise him net to let
Testy have soa many beeans for th' future, as they made his breath smell
soa bad.

Soa Chairley an' Testy went hooam, an t'next morning they started aght
hawkin, but it wor th' warst days bizniss he ivver had. He gate shut a
mooar stuff nor ivver he'd getten shut on afooar in a wick, but his
purse wor varry little heavier at neet nor it wor i'th' morning, for as
t'mooast ov his customers wor connected wi th' Sunday skoal, an' they
all wanted sarvin' that day, he discovered at Testy worn't likely to
prove all profit after all. If a woman wanted a penny stick a ruburb
shoo'd be sure to ax for a cabbage thrown in, an shoo'd say: "Tha knows
tha'd nivver ha getten that donkey but for awr Simon givin' soa mich
to'ards it."

When Chairley reckon'd up at neet he stud lukkin at t'donkey for a
minnit an' then he sed--"Testy owd lad, aw dooant want to hurt thi
feelins, but aw mun say, at if ivvery body's testimonial cost' em as
mich as tha's cost me to-day, ther isn't quite as mich profit in 'em as
some fowk think; an' unless ther's a lot ov Annani-asses amang my
customers, th'aft abaat th' warst bargain i'th' donkey line at aw've
seen for some time, for aw cud a bowt a horse wi' th' brass at wor
subscribed for thee."

After that Chairley had to leeave th' Sunday skooil, for he sed if he
didn't they'd ruin booath him an' Testy. Well, as aw wor sayin' Chairley
an' Testy wor gooin' hooam an' bed just getten to th' Tabor, when they
booath stopt for a drink. He teed up his donkey an' then went into th'
tapraam for a pint a fourpny, (yo can get varry gooid fourpny at
t'Tabor, ther's some body in it an noa sperrit, hah they brew it is a
saycret, an' it's noa use tryin' to see throo it.) Just anent Chairley
sat an owd sowdger tellin' tales abaaght different battles he'd been in,
an' Chairley lizened to ivvery word as if it wor gospel, for ov cooarse
he knew at noa man 'ats been in a battle wad say owt at worn't true, an'
at last he sed, "Captin' aw've oft thowt aw should like to be sowdger,
but yo see mi legs isn't booath just t'same length."

"That'll mak little difference," he sed, "tha'd be all th' better for
that, it wodn't be as easy to put a bullet throo thi heead when it wor
bobbin' up and daan, as it wod a chap at walk'd straight; but aw should
advise thee to join th' artillery, that's th' regiment for thee; horse
artillery, that's the ticket, tha'd just doo for that."

"Dun yo think aw should?"

"To be sewer, tha'rt just made for it."

This set Chairley a thinkin', an after treatin' th' owd sowdger wi' a
pint, he set off hooam.

As he'd noab'dy else to tawk to' he tawk'd to th' donkey.

"Well Testy, what dus ta think abaaght it? Dus ta think aw should doo
for a hartillery chap? They dooant have donkeys i'th' horse hartillery,
or else awd tak thee. What are ta shakin' thi heead at? Well if aw doo
goa, iwl mak a present o' thee to th' Sunday skooil, for aw cudn't tell
what price to put on thi if aw wanted to sell thi. Hahivver, aw think it
ud be a gooid thing for me to practiss a bit, an' awve two owd muskets
at hooam at can be made come in, an' awl get up it' mornin' i' gooid
time an practiss for an haar or soa befooar we start for bizness. It'll
doo us booath gooid."

Chairley gate hooam, an' after stablin' Testy an' makkin him
cumfortable, he gave him a bit o' extra corn to mak him lively next
mornin'. He left t'stable sayin, "Well Testy, aw nivver thowt a makkin a
war-horse aght o' thee, tho' awve seen war horses nor thee; but to morn
tha'll have to be a chairger, an' if tha'rt hauf as gooid a chairger as
t'chap wor at sell'd thi to th' Superintendent, tha'll doo to practiss
on."

T'next mornin' Chairley gate his two muskets, an havin' teed one on th'
top o' each pannier, he maanted Testy, an' rooad him to a croft at back
o' th' haase.

"Nah," he says to hissen, "hah can aw pull these triggers when aw'm set
up here? It caan't be done; but if aw lig on my belly on th' top of his
back, aw can raich 'em then, an that'll be a better position to escape
th' enemy." Soa he ligg'd his full length o' Testy's back, an tuk hold
o' booath muskets wi' his fingers on th' triggers. "Nah Testy, see tha
behaves thisen' for this may be a turnin' point i' thy life as weel as
mine. Tha'll ha' to get used to th' smell o' paather, same as me. Nah
for it," he sed, an' he shut his een an' whisper'd, "one, two,
three--off!" He pooled booath triggers, booath muskets went off, an'
Chairley went off at th' same time, an' soa did one o' Testy's ears, an'
when Chairley lukk'd up Testy wor stanin' on his fore legs, sparrin'
away wi' his heels, as lively as yo'd wish to see. Chairley maniged to
sam hissen together, an' findin' at he worn't killed, he went to mak
friends ageean wi' Testy; an' if ivver ther wor two disconsolate lukkin'
jackasses i' this world, it wor them two.

"Well, this is a bonny come off," he sed, "tha'rt a bigger donkey nor aw
tuk thi for. Had ta noa mooar sense nor to put thi ear i'th' front ova
gun. Tha cud a heeard it goa off withaat lizenin' soa clois?

"Well, aw wish tha wor nicely aght o' mi hands. What to do wi thi nah aw
connot tell, unless aw cut off t'other ear to match, an' tee a bunch o'
horsehair to thi tail an' see if aw connot mak a galloway aght on thi;
an' if aw doo that, aw expect tha willn't be able to keep thi maath
shut, an' that voice o' thine 'll let ivvery body know. But hahivver aw
mun try an' bandage that heead o' thine up an' then see what aw can do,
for ther'll be noa hawkin' to-day, an' noa mooar hartillery practiss."

Chairley weshed th' donkey's heead, an' put some sauve on to his ear,
an' teed it up as weel as he cud, an' then turned him inta th' croft an'
sat daan wonderin' hah to spend th' day.

Nah ther wor nowt Chairley wor fonder on nor kite flyin', an' as he had
a kite ommost as big as hissen, he thowt he mud as weel amuse hissen a
bit; soa he fotched it, an' befooar monny minnits it wor sailin' away up
i'th' air. He kept givin' it mooar band wol it wor ommost aght o' seet,
an' beein' a breezy day, it pooled soa hard at he cud hardly hold it.

To mak matters war, Testy wor varry restless, an' kept wanderin abaaght,
an' as ther wor noa gate to th' croft, Chairley had to follow him for
feeard on him gettin' away. In a while it began to be rayther hard wark,
he darn't let t'kite goa, an' ther wor nowt handy to tee it too, soa he
thowt his best plan 'ud be to pull it in, but just then a thowt struck
him, as he saw Testy trottin' off whiskin his tail, an' he went after
him. As sooin as he'd catched him, he teed his kite band to th' donkey's
tail, sayin' as he did soa, "Nah aw can watch yo booath at once." But yo
shud a seen that donkey! At first he ran backards for abaaght a dozzen
yards, then he shot aght his heels wi' twenty donkey paar; but it wor
noa use tryin' to kick that kite, he cud just as easy ha' kicked
t'mooin. He tried to turn raand, but that ommost twisted his tail off,
then he planted his feet firmly i' t'graand, wi his tail stickkin'
straight aght like a brooish stail, an' luk'd at Chairley, as if for
some explanation.

"Well, hah dusta like kite flyin', Testy? tha'd a rooar'd thi 'een up
afooar tha'd thowt a that. It's plain to be seen at tha connot run away
wi' that kite, an' th' kite connot flyaway wi' thee, soa awl leeave yo
an' goa get a bit a dinner."

He worn't long away, but when he coom back, noa kite cud he see, but
theear wor Testy stud just as he'd left him. As Chairley walked to him
he nivver sturd, but, fancy his surprise when he saw at th' donkey's
tail wor missin'. It had dissolved partnership wi' Testy an' gooan to
realms aboon. Maybe it'll fessen it sen on to some little star an' mak a
comet on't.

Chairley an Testy stud lukkin' at one another for a gooid five minnits,
an' at last Chairley sed, "Well Testy, tha caan't blame me; aw dooant
think thi appearance is mich improved, but still, tha must admit at tha
arn't as mich of a donkey nah as tha wor when aw gate tha. It seems to
me we'd better pairt, for we dooan't get on soa weel together; awl sell
mi stock an't panniers, an' thee an ivverything; aw shall ha' to sell'
em wholesale though, for aw cannot re-tail thee. But awl promise tha one
thing, whenivver aw fly a kite ageean, awl remember mi donkey's tail."

Just then, Testy's knees begun to tremmle, his body rock'd from side to
side; he luk'd at Chairley as mich as to say, "assassin," an rowled
ovver brokkenhearted; an', withaght a struggle, he breathed his last
sigh to th' tune of "Good bye, Chairley, when aw'm away, dunnot forget
your Testimonial."