If yo niver heeard tell o' that doo 'at Broddington an Clarkson once
had, aw'll tell yo abaat it; for when aw heeard on it aw lafft wol my
bally wark'd, aw did forshure. Yo mun understand at Broddington kept a
butcher's shop i' Snicket loin an Clarkson kept a puttaty shop ith same
row. Well, it soa happen'd 'at Broddington's shop wor too big for him,
an Clarkson's wor too little for him, soa they had a bit o' tawk
together, an after a deeal o' bargainin, an boath swearin 'at it ud be a
loss o' monny a paand, they agreed to swap. Broddington wor a single
chap an lived bi hissen, but Clarkson had a wife an some bairns, an shoo
wor a wife an noa mistak! for shoo'd tongue enuff for hauf a duzzen.
Ther wor a sign ovver each shop wi th' name painted on, but as one
wodn't fit t' other they agreed to swap signs as weel an to get' em
repainted, each wi thee own name. Well, one day they set abaat flittin,
an a varry hard day they had, but at last all wor comfortably arranged
an nowt moor wanted dooin but names changin.

After a hard job like that, Broddington thowt he'd give hissen a bit ov
a treat, an goa off on a cheap trip to Liverpool, for as it wor varry
hot weather he hadn't mich to do--butchers niver have--but as he lived
bi hissen, an wor a varry hard sleeper, he couldn't tell ha to manage to
get up to be ready for four o'clock, an' he didn't like th' idea o'
sittin up all th' neet, coss he knew if he did 'at he'd be fit for nowt
all th' day. After studdin abaat it a bit an idea struck him, an' off he
set to seek th' policeman 'at wor o' that beat, an get him to wakken
him.

He wornt long afoor he fan him, soa he says, "Jim, aw want thee to do me
a bit ov a faver if tha will." "Well, lad," he sed, "awl do it if aw can
awl promise thi; what is it tha wants me to do?" "Aw want to set off o'
that cheap trip tomorn 'at leaves here at four o'clock, an as awm a
varry saand sleeper, aw want thee to wakken me abaat hauf-past three."
"O, if that's all, awl do that an' welcome." "But tha knows," sed
Broddington, "its nooan sich a easy task as tha seems to fancy, for when
awm i' bed aw sleep like a stooan, an soa if aw dooant get up at once
tha mun pawse th' door wol aw do." "O, awl pawse it niver fear, awl
wakken thi afoor aw leave off, tha may bet thi front teeth o' that."
"Well, aw darsay tha may, an awve made up mi mind to goa, but awm sich a
sleepy-head 'at if aw get up its a thaasand to one aw shall goa to bed
agean as sooin as iver tha turns thi back, so tha mun stop wol aw come
daan stairs, an then tha shall tell me what tha thinks abaat some whisky
'at awve getten." "Leave that to me," sed Jim, "awl bet tha'll come daan
afoor aw stur; if ther's ony whisky inside awl find mi way to it."
"That's all right," sed Broddington, "nah awl goa hooam an' get to bed
an' have a few haars sleep afoor tha comes." Soa off he went hooam, but
unfortunately he'd forgetten to tell th' policeman 'at he'd flitted.

Well, old Clarkson stuck to his puttaty shop wol abaat ten o'clock an
then when he'd getten shut up, he thowt he'd just goa an' spend an' haar
or two wi a friend, so a as th' wife wor aght oth seet he snig'd off,
an' it seems he faand ther company soa varry agreeable wol it wor ommost
three o'clock when he landed hooam. He knew what a blowin up he'd be
sure to get, but as his wife liked a drop o' whisky to goa to bed on, he
bowt a bottle to tak hooam as a bit ov a sweetner. He crept in as quiet
as he could, for he thowt if th' wife wor asleep it wad be a shame to
wakken her. He tuk his booits off an' went ov his tiptooas into th'
bedroom.

"O, soa tha's landed hooam agean has ta? Couldn't ta find ony body 'at
ud have thi ony longer? If awd been thee awd ha done t'other bit aght.
Awm capt 'at a wed chap 'at's a wife an' childer at hooam rakin aght i'
this way! But ther's one thing certain, it's noa daycent place wheer tha
wor wol this time oth' mornin! Niver heed! It willn't last long, aw feel
awm gettin waiker ivery day--waiker ivery day; tha'll nooan ha me soa
long, an' then tha can spree an' drink thi fill. Aw do, aw feel awm
gettin waiker ivery day," shoo sed agean. But old Clarkson made noa
reply, for he'd heeard th' same tale monny a time befoor, an' he knew if
he sed he wor sooary, shoo'd say he wor a liar, an' praich him a sarmon
as long as his leg abaat what he'd do if he wor sooary; an' if he sed he
didn't think shoo wor waiker, shoo'd say, "Noa, aw ail nowt; ther's
nivver any sympathy for me! aw mun slave mi soul aght for owt tha
cares--nasty unfeelin wretch!" Well, Jim didn't spaik for he thowt "the
leeast sed an th' soonest mended." But shoo wornt to be done, shoo at it
ageean in another tone--"Eea, aw feel awm gettin waiker--Waiker ivery
day; does ta hear what aw say?" "Hear thi," he sed, "mi ears are hoof'd
wi harkenin to thi." "Eea, an they shall be hoof'd," shoo sed, "for as
long as awve breath i' my body awl tell thi o' thi faults. Ha can ta
fashion; but if tha doesn't alter awl niver put legs daan i' bed wi'
thee agean I Shame o' thisen! but tha has na shame; tha'rt as brazzen as
brass, that's what tha art!" "Nah, hold thi noise," he sed. "Sithee,
aw've browt thi a bottle o' whisky; mun, awm allus thinkin on thi."
"Dooant tell me sich like tales as them, for aw dooant believe thi,"
shoo says, "tha thinks tha can get ovver me wi a bottle o' whisky aw
daresay, but tha'rt mistakken; an' aw dooant know whear tha's getten
that at this time oth' mornin."

Jim kept a still tongue in his bead an' crept quietly into bed, an' it
worn't long befoor they wor booath asleep.

Nah, it wor varry near time for th' polieeman to come to wakken
Broddington, an' as he knew nowt abaat th' flittin he luck'd up at th'
sign, an' feelin sure at he wor at th' reight shop he gave a varry gooid
rat-a-tat at Clarkson's door.

"What's that?" sed his wife, jumpin up; "go daan and see."

"Net aw," sed Clarkson, "its nobbut some druffen chaps 'at's on for a
spree."

"Eea, an they know whear to come it seems! A'a, if aw wor a man aw
should shame to have sich like followin me."

Another rat-a-tat followed, but Clarkson wor detarmined not to get up,
an' th' policeman wor just as detarmined to pail at th' door till he did
get up. Rat-a-tat! rat-a-tat! went his stick time after time, wol at
last old Clarkson baanced aght o' bed an threw up his winder, an' axed
what he wanted; but when he saw a blue coat an' shinin buttons, he
turned raand to his wife an' sed, "It's a bobby."

"Why," shoo says, "ax him what he wants."

"What does ta want?" sed Clarkson.

"Nah, then, is noa gooid tryin' to mak it strange; tha knows aw've come
here for that whisky, an' awmean to have it befoor aw goa."

"O, that's it, is it?" sed his wife. "That's thee 'at's browt me th'
whisky? It's grand to bring a wife whisky an' ax a policeman to come sup
it."

"Aw niver ax'd onybody to come, aw dooant know what he wants."

"That's a varry nice tale, lad, but tha willn't mak me believe it; aw
know better nor a policeman comin toa haase at hauf-past three ith
mornin if he hadn't been sent for."

Rat-a-tat! rat-a-tat-tat! went th' policeman's stick, an old Clarkson
flew to th' winder an shaats aght, "What th' d---- does ta want?"

"Nah, it's noa gooid thee puttin on an' makkin it all strange; tha mud
as weel come daan sooin as lat, for tha'll ha to goa wi me an' th'
whisky an' all, soa on wi them britches an come daan stairs."

"Nah, Clarkson," sed his wife, sittin up i' bed, "tell me th' truth at
once; has ta getten that whisky honestly or net? If tha hasn't say so,
an then awst know what to expect. Aw allus sed 'at tha'd bring me an th'
childer to some end if this rakin aght ov a neet went on. A'a 'at ivver
aw should ha lived to see this day!" An then shoo began rockin hersen
backards an forrads, an moppin up her tears wi th' corner oth sheet.

Yo may guess what a din th' policeman made when it wakkened Broddington
'at lived six or eight doors off, an aght o' ommust ivvery winder ith
row ther wor neetcaps bobbin in an aght, an some on 'em shook ther
heeads an sed, "It's nobbut what aw expected; awve thowt many a time 'at
if Clarkson could afford to dress his wife 'i silks an satins, 'at it
didn't all come aght o' th' puttaty trade," an after that feelin remark
they went back to bed.

Broddington gate up an dressed an went daan stairs to see what wor up.
All at once he bethowt him abaat th' policeman, an th' fact a' th' wrang
sign being ovver th' door, an he saw at once what a mistak had been
made. "Well, it can't be helped," he sed, "but poor Clarkson 'll catch
it aw'll bet." Soa he went daan an oppened th' door just at th' same
time at Clarkson wor comin aght. When th' policeman saw Clarkson come
aght an Broddington abaat twenty yards off, he luk'd a trifle soft, an
after starin furst at one an then at t'other, he gave vent to his
astonishment bi sarin, "Blow me tight!" Just then Mrs. Clarkson's heead
show'd aght o' th' chamber winder, "O, it's all varry fine," shoo sed,
"aw see ha it is; it's a made up doo throo th' beginin to th' endin; but
awl have an alteration as sure as my name's Liddy:" After sayin this
shoo popt back agean an went to bed, noa daat thinkin 'at shoo wor a
varry ill used woman. As matters had getten to this pitch, Broddington
tuk th' policeman an' Clarkson on to his haase, an after a gooid deeal a
explanation, ivery body seem'd to be satisfied, an Broddington browt
aght a bottle an put it i' th' middle o' th' table an invited 'em to
help thersen. They did, an readily too, for th' policeman worn't a
teetotaler, (an ther's summat abaat that 'at aw could nivver understand,
for teetotal lecterers tell us 'at if all th' world wor teetotal 'at we
should have noa murders, noa robberies, noa rows, all wod be peace an
happiness an th' millenium be ushered in, an yet aw nivver met a
teetotal policeman, tho ther may be sich like things, th' same as aw've
heeard on ther bein white blackburds, an we know 'at policemen are th'
varry chaps 'at have to keep th' peace.)

Well, glass followed glass, an Broddington decided net to set off at
all, but to spend a friendly haar wi 'em, as he'd been th' cause ov a
deeal o' bother, an he thowt th' best thing he could do wod be to
apologize like a man an set things straight agean. Soa they all turned
aght together at about a quarter to ten to goa to Clarkson's, but when
they gate aght o' th' door what should they see but a lot o' furniture
aghtside, an all th' appearances ov another flittin. "What's up nah,
Clarkson?" sed Broddington. "Nay, aw dooant know," he sed, "but it seems
to me 'at th' wife's sellin up, an shoo's sed shoo wod do monny a time;
but awl put a stop to that, an sharply too." Away he went in a reglar
tiff, an wanted to know who'd fotch'd his stuff aght o' th' haase, an
sed he'd let' em see who wor th' maister thear. When his wife coom shoo
wor fair maddled, an wanted to know what wor up. "Who's tell'd thee to
sell th' furniture," he sed. "Sell th' furniture! Who is selling th'
furniture, fooil! It's nobbut me 'at had it taen aght to cleean, becoss
aw thowt tha wor off for th' day, an aw thowt awd do it before tha come
back, sea as tha wodn't be put abaat wi th' bustle." "O, that's all
reight," he sed. "Aw see nah; aw hardly thowt tha'd do as ill as that,
though tha wor awful crusty this mornin; but ther's Broddington an th'
policeman aghtside 'at want to come in an explain matters a bit."
"Dooant bring' em here," shoo sed, "tha's been wi them to oft; it's sich
like as them 'at's leeadin thee off."

"Well, we'd better have 'em in aw think, an hear what they've to say,"
he sed. Soa they went in, an when they'd tell'd th' tale shoo laff'd as
hard as any on 'em, for shoo worn't a bad bottom'd woman though she had
a tongue; soa after makkin all things straight shoo ax'd' em to have a
drop o' summat, which they had, an as shoo sed, "Drink o' ony sooart wor
a thing 'at shoo seldom or iver touched, though th' doctors had ordered
it for her, time after time, yet considerin 'at Broddington had missed
his cheap trip, an 'at all matters had been put to reights, shoo made
hersen a drop o' whisky an hot watter, an as they sat tawkin an smookin
they coom to th' conclusion 'at it wor nivver safe to judge bi
appearances. Clarkson wor soa pleased at his wite takkin it i' sich a
philosophical way, wol he bowt her a new gaan, an when th' naybors saw
her turn aght in it th' next Sunday, they nodded an smiled at her as if
they could like to put her into ther pockets, but as sooin as shoo'd
turned her back they curl'd ther nooas an turned up th' whites o' ther
eyes, an sed, in a varry mysterious way, "It'll do woll it lasts."

A'a dear I tak my advice an nivver trust to appearances.